Friday, May 13, 2011

Aloneness

I find myself thinking about the word “alone” quite often these days. This morning I suddenly found myself thinking of the words from the creation story that “it is not good for a man (woman) to be alone…” Over the course of the last 20 years of my marriage I led dozens and dozens marriage enrichment seminars and spoke on the subject of marriage in various settings. Invariably I began my sessions in the first two chapters of Genesis to set the foundation for marriage around the intentions of God as found in creation.

However, when I spoke about the word “alone”, I did so without ever having experienced “aloneness” in the sense of one who was living “alone”. I grew up in a nuclear family surrounded by loving parents and siblings and with extended family in the same small community where we lived. After graduation from high school I went to college and always had a roommate during those years of dormitory living. The summer after graduation Jan and I were married and the next 47 years were spent with her in my life.

Now I am approaching the seven month mark of life as a widower. I am still surrounded by a wonderful family with great children and awesome grandchildren. I can be part of their lives as much as I want without restriction. I have dozens of friends who keep me as part of their lives and my church family is so warm and caring. Yet…I now understand “alone” in a whole new light.
• I am alone when I wake up in the morning…I cannot roll over and wrap my arms around my life partner before getting out of bed.
• My kitchen table is no longer a very inviting place because the seat next to me is empty and I am alone.
• I no longer have someone’s hand to hold or a person to embrace as my connection to a significant other has been severed.
• I ride alone in the car with the radio or a CD or a book on tape as my companionship.
• I am alone in a house that used to be filled with the presence of another.

There were times during those years of marriage when “aloneness” was something to be treasured; a very important time in the busy-ness of life. Alone with one’s thoughts…alone with a book…alone to think and plan. But that was productive aloneness…necessary aloneness…chosen aloneness…planned aloneness…temporary aloneness.

I thought this morning of a recent widow in my church in California who said one day that “I know that God is always with me and I am never alone…but…God can’t hold me in His arms like my husband used to…yes I believe that God has me in the palm of His hand, but that is different from having the fingers of my hand enlaced through the fingers of my husband when going for a walk. Even though I know that I am never alone because God is always with me…I am still alone and I now have a new appreciation for the words in Genesis 2 that it is not good to be alone”.

Aloneness is a very difficult state of being for me. I thought good progress was being made until Easter, the sixth month anniversary of Jan’s death and then Mother’s Day came like a 1-2-3 punch in rapid succession that laid me out like a punch drunk boxer. I have been staggering, but thank goodness, I am still standing. My vision is clearing and the cobwebs are disappearing. I’m not about to embrace “aloneness” and say “this is very good”; but I know there must be a way to balance “aloneness” with the “family” and “community” and “friendships” that surround my life so that when I combine all those elements together I will be able to say that “this is in fact very good…I can make this work”. There is a voice that constantly whispers in my ear and says “you are not alone…you do not walk alone”. I do indeed hear His Voice and I know those words are true.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Six Months

Saturday night was the sixth month anniversary of Jan's death. It is, on one hand, difficult to imagine that so much time has already passed; because, on the other hand, it seems like it happened yesterday.

Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.

However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.

It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.

It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.

Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.

So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.

Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.

Six Month

Saturday night was the sixth month anniversary of Jan's death. It is, on one hand, difficult to imagine that so much time has already passed; because, on the other hand, it seems like it happened yesterday.

Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.

However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.

It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.

It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.

Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.

So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.

Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.