It's really very easy.
That is, turning a page, is really very easy.
It's basically a reflex action. Something you do without thinking. Something you do with anticipation as you want to continue reading and follow the story line to the end.
It's really very difficult.
That is, turning a page, is really very difficult.
I never realized how difficult it would be to turn a page when the page is your own life. When you are reflecting on 47 years of marriage through the perspective of one year of singleness; it can be agonizingly painful to turn the page because you know it is time to move on to the next chapter of your life.
Taking a ring off is very easy.
When the ring is a wedding band...very difficult.
Taking china out of a cabinet is very easy.
When you are deciding what to keep and what to give away...not so easy.
Packing a box is not very difficult.
When that box contains items from the past not going into the present...difficult.
We speak of my stage of life in differing ways.
Moving on.
Adjusting to the new normal.
Creating your own space.
I'm trying very hard to keep my townhouse from becoming a "man cave".
Carefully what I take with me.
Items that will reflect the best of these last 47 years.
Items that reflect who we are as a family.
Julie Ann and Kelly will be coming by some time today or tomorrow.
There is lots of stuff for them to sort through.
Items for themselves and hopefully for my grand-daughters
Nice stuff...Jan had good taste...good stuff to keep around.
Memories are often triggered by the stuff we accumulate. But the best memories of what we were doing when we used that stuff.
Family gatherings when we enjoyed a meal using this stuff.
Smorgasbords when this stuff was filled with our favorite foods.
It's not so much the stuff...it's what happened with the stuff.
So I find myself emotionally drained today. Dealing with this stuff has not been easy. Sometimes turning the page at this stage of life feels likes the page weighs 50 pounds...you need both hands and a lot of effort to make it happen. But happen it must and so it is getting done.
That is why I say "AS THE PAGE TURNS".
It is in process of being turned.
I am maybe halfway there with the move from my house to the townhouse.
More of a challenge than I had anticipated.
But here is the good thing.
As I sort through the stuff I find myself saying: THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
TURNING THE PAGE
One year ago last night I came home from the hospital without Jan. It had been the worst night of my life and for my family the date October 30 will be an anniversary date we do not look forward to remembering.
Around midnight that evening I picked up a Max Lucado devotional book Jan kept on a night stand next to her side of the bed. It was titled "Grace for the Moment" and was a book of both morning and evening readings for each day of the year. I was curious to see what she would have read that evening had she not died. I was also hopeful that it might be of some help to me.
The title for the evening reading of October 30 was "Life Is Long Enough" and was centered on Psalm 139:16: "All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." Let me share with you what Lucado wrote:
No person lives one day more or less than God intends. "All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old."
But her days were so few...
His life was so brief...
To us it seems that way. We speak of a short life, but compared to eternity, who has a long one? A person's days on earth may appear as a drop in the ocean. Yours and mine may seem like a thimbleful. But compared to the Pacific of eternity, even the years of Methuselah filled no more than a glass...
In God's plan every life is long enough and every death is timely. And though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better.
Then Lucado asked two questions: How does this statement relate to your life? To the lives of the people you hold dear?
My response was GIVE ME A BREAK!! HOW DO YOU THINK IT RELATES TO ME?? HOW DO YOU THINK IT RELATES TO MY FAMILY?? I AM NOT HAPPY TO BE READING THIS...IN FACT I AM ANGRY AS I READ THIS...PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME SOME PIOUS GOD-TALK THAT SAYS JAN'S LIFE WAS LONG ENOUGH!! PLEASE DON'T THINK I AM GOING TO SIT DOWN WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN AND EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT AMMA LIVED LONG ENOUGH. MY RESPONSE TO THESE WORDS WAS "HOGWASH...BALONEY...GIVE ME A BREAK...I DON'T BUY IT!!!"
So for the last 12 months I have left that book open to October 30. Last night I sat down and read those words again and asked myself the question: "Do I now believe that every life is long enough?" My answer is still "no I don't". I have not come to any acceptance of what Lucado wrote. I know of noone in my family who would say that Jan lived long enough...of that I need to be convinced.
Then this morning I turned the page to October 31 where Lucado writes that Everyone Will See Him; which is a writing focused on John 14:8: "After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am." Yes...in the blink of an eye Christ will return. How does that affect the way you live? asks Lucado.
That is a question that is easy for me to answer. Let me share with you something I wrote for my grandchildren and had framed for them titled: "AMMA'S gLOVE".
A glove is an object that is always shaped like a hand. Each of us has a hand that looks different from the hand of other people and our hands will vary in size. When buying a glove we always look for one that will fit our hand size. If a glove is too big for our hand, then it will be loose and maybe fall off. If a glove is too small, then it will be tight and uncomfortable. What we look for is a glove that fits our hand perfectly and is comfortable to wear.
A glove is an object that can lie on a shelf or be put in the pocket of our coat and by itself will be lifeless and unable to do anything of value. It is only when we put our hand into a glove that it will be able to do things. It is the hand inside the glove that makes the glove move to shake hands, open a door, make a snowball, give someone a hug, wave goodbye, or tweak your nose. What the glove does will reflect the personality of the hand that is inside the glove.
Our body is like a glove. It was designed by God to fit perfectly around what is inside the body that we call our spirit, our soul, our personality, our mind. We all knew Amma by looking at her and listening to her voice. She had a big smile and loved to give hugs and was always so excited to be with you and she was always planning a party or a time for us to get together. She was warm and loving and what we saw was made possible by her spirit, her soul, her mind and her personality.
One day her spirit and her soul and her personality slipped out of her body and went to live in heaven with Jesus. A part of her body had stopped working and it would no longer work like it was supposed to work. We say that her body (glove) died and that made us very sad, because she is no longer here to give us hugs and make us happy. But her spirit and her soul and her personality did not die and that part of her is now in heaven. In heaven she is very happy and is waiting for us to come and join her at some time in the future.
The Amma we knew lived inside her body which was very much like a beautiful glove. So when you look at her glove, I want you to spell the word glove this way: gLOVE. The biggest part of that word is love and love is what Amma was all about. She loved you very much and she showed her love by the words she said, the hugs she gave you, the parties she planned, the meals she cooked and all the other things she did to say “I love you!” I want you to always remember Amma’s gLOVE.
Yes...I believe. I believe in a place called heaven. I believe in a place prepared for us. I believe in a place where we will be with Him. Yes...I believe. Do I believe that Jan lived long enough...no. Do I believe that eternity will be long enough...absolutely yes.
Today I affirm that it is a very good idea to turn the page and see what is next. On this morning I turn the page...the page that reads THE NEXT CHAPTER IN THE LIFE OF JOHN CARLSON. I do so with confidence becasue of the One in whom I believe.
Around midnight that evening I picked up a Max Lucado devotional book Jan kept on a night stand next to her side of the bed. It was titled "Grace for the Moment" and was a book of both morning and evening readings for each day of the year. I was curious to see what she would have read that evening had she not died. I was also hopeful that it might be of some help to me.
The title for the evening reading of October 30 was "Life Is Long Enough" and was centered on Psalm 139:16: "All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." Let me share with you what Lucado wrote:
No person lives one day more or less than God intends. "All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old."
But her days were so few...
His life was so brief...
To us it seems that way. We speak of a short life, but compared to eternity, who has a long one? A person's days on earth may appear as a drop in the ocean. Yours and mine may seem like a thimbleful. But compared to the Pacific of eternity, even the years of Methuselah filled no more than a glass...
In God's plan every life is long enough and every death is timely. And though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better.
Then Lucado asked two questions: How does this statement relate to your life? To the lives of the people you hold dear?
My response was GIVE ME A BREAK!! HOW DO YOU THINK IT RELATES TO ME?? HOW DO YOU THINK IT RELATES TO MY FAMILY?? I AM NOT HAPPY TO BE READING THIS...IN FACT I AM ANGRY AS I READ THIS...PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME SOME PIOUS GOD-TALK THAT SAYS JAN'S LIFE WAS LONG ENOUGH!! PLEASE DON'T THINK I AM GOING TO SIT DOWN WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN AND EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT AMMA LIVED LONG ENOUGH. MY RESPONSE TO THESE WORDS WAS "HOGWASH...BALONEY...GIVE ME A BREAK...I DON'T BUY IT!!!"
So for the last 12 months I have left that book open to October 30. Last night I sat down and read those words again and asked myself the question: "Do I now believe that every life is long enough?" My answer is still "no I don't". I have not come to any acceptance of what Lucado wrote. I know of noone in my family who would say that Jan lived long enough...of that I need to be convinced.
Then this morning I turned the page to October 31 where Lucado writes that Everyone Will See Him; which is a writing focused on John 14:8: "After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am." Yes...in the blink of an eye Christ will return. How does that affect the way you live? asks Lucado.
That is a question that is easy for me to answer. Let me share with you something I wrote for my grandchildren and had framed for them titled: "AMMA'S gLOVE".
A glove is an object that is always shaped like a hand. Each of us has a hand that looks different from the hand of other people and our hands will vary in size. When buying a glove we always look for one that will fit our hand size. If a glove is too big for our hand, then it will be loose and maybe fall off. If a glove is too small, then it will be tight and uncomfortable. What we look for is a glove that fits our hand perfectly and is comfortable to wear.
A glove is an object that can lie on a shelf or be put in the pocket of our coat and by itself will be lifeless and unable to do anything of value. It is only when we put our hand into a glove that it will be able to do things. It is the hand inside the glove that makes the glove move to shake hands, open a door, make a snowball, give someone a hug, wave goodbye, or tweak your nose. What the glove does will reflect the personality of the hand that is inside the glove.
Our body is like a glove. It was designed by God to fit perfectly around what is inside the body that we call our spirit, our soul, our personality, our mind. We all knew Amma by looking at her and listening to her voice. She had a big smile and loved to give hugs and was always so excited to be with you and she was always planning a party or a time for us to get together. She was warm and loving and what we saw was made possible by her spirit, her soul, her mind and her personality.
One day her spirit and her soul and her personality slipped out of her body and went to live in heaven with Jesus. A part of her body had stopped working and it would no longer work like it was supposed to work. We say that her body (glove) died and that made us very sad, because she is no longer here to give us hugs and make us happy. But her spirit and her soul and her personality did not die and that part of her is now in heaven. In heaven she is very happy and is waiting for us to come and join her at some time in the future.
The Amma we knew lived inside her body which was very much like a beautiful glove. So when you look at her glove, I want you to spell the word glove this way: gLOVE. The biggest part of that word is love and love is what Amma was all about. She loved you very much and she showed her love by the words she said, the hugs she gave you, the parties she planned, the meals she cooked and all the other things she did to say “I love you!” I want you to always remember Amma’s gLOVE.
Yes...I believe. I believe in a place called heaven. I believe in a place prepared for us. I believe in a place where we will be with Him. Yes...I believe. Do I believe that Jan lived long enough...no. Do I believe that eternity will be long enough...absolutely yes.
Today I affirm that it is a very good idea to turn the page and see what is next. On this morning I turn the page...the page that reads THE NEXT CHAPTER IN THE LIFE OF JOHN CARLSON. I do so with confidence becasue of the One in whom I believe.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Aloneness
I find myself thinking about the word “alone” quite often these days. This morning I suddenly found myself thinking of the words from the creation story that “it is not good for a man (woman) to be alone…” Over the course of the last 20 years of my marriage I led dozens and dozens marriage enrichment seminars and spoke on the subject of marriage in various settings. Invariably I began my sessions in the first two chapters of Genesis to set the foundation for marriage around the intentions of God as found in creation.
However, when I spoke about the word “alone”, I did so without ever having experienced “aloneness” in the sense of one who was living “alone”. I grew up in a nuclear family surrounded by loving parents and siblings and with extended family in the same small community where we lived. After graduation from high school I went to college and always had a roommate during those years of dormitory living. The summer after graduation Jan and I were married and the next 47 years were spent with her in my life.
Now I am approaching the seven month mark of life as a widower. I am still surrounded by a wonderful family with great children and awesome grandchildren. I can be part of their lives as much as I want without restriction. I have dozens of friends who keep me as part of their lives and my church family is so warm and caring. Yet…I now understand “alone” in a whole new light.
• I am alone when I wake up in the morning…I cannot roll over and wrap my arms around my life partner before getting out of bed.
• My kitchen table is no longer a very inviting place because the seat next to me is empty and I am alone.
• I no longer have someone’s hand to hold or a person to embrace as my connection to a significant other has been severed.
• I ride alone in the car with the radio or a CD or a book on tape as my companionship.
• I am alone in a house that used to be filled with the presence of another.
There were times during those years of marriage when “aloneness” was something to be treasured; a very important time in the busy-ness of life. Alone with one’s thoughts…alone with a book…alone to think and plan. But that was productive aloneness…necessary aloneness…chosen aloneness…planned aloneness…temporary aloneness.
I thought this morning of a recent widow in my church in California who said one day that “I know that God is always with me and I am never alone…but…God can’t hold me in His arms like my husband used to…yes I believe that God has me in the palm of His hand, but that is different from having the fingers of my hand enlaced through the fingers of my husband when going for a walk. Even though I know that I am never alone because God is always with me…I am still alone and I now have a new appreciation for the words in Genesis 2 that it is not good to be alone”.
Aloneness is a very difficult state of being for me. I thought good progress was being made until Easter, the sixth month anniversary of Jan’s death and then Mother’s Day came like a 1-2-3 punch in rapid succession that laid me out like a punch drunk boxer. I have been staggering, but thank goodness, I am still standing. My vision is clearing and the cobwebs are disappearing. I’m not about to embrace “aloneness” and say “this is very good”; but I know there must be a way to balance “aloneness” with the “family” and “community” and “friendships” that surround my life so that when I combine all those elements together I will be able to say that “this is in fact very good…I can make this work”. There is a voice that constantly whispers in my ear and says “you are not alone…you do not walk alone”. I do indeed hear His Voice and I know those words are true.
However, when I spoke about the word “alone”, I did so without ever having experienced “aloneness” in the sense of one who was living “alone”. I grew up in a nuclear family surrounded by loving parents and siblings and with extended family in the same small community where we lived. After graduation from high school I went to college and always had a roommate during those years of dormitory living. The summer after graduation Jan and I were married and the next 47 years were spent with her in my life.
Now I am approaching the seven month mark of life as a widower. I am still surrounded by a wonderful family with great children and awesome grandchildren. I can be part of their lives as much as I want without restriction. I have dozens of friends who keep me as part of their lives and my church family is so warm and caring. Yet…I now understand “alone” in a whole new light.
• I am alone when I wake up in the morning…I cannot roll over and wrap my arms around my life partner before getting out of bed.
• My kitchen table is no longer a very inviting place because the seat next to me is empty and I am alone.
• I no longer have someone’s hand to hold or a person to embrace as my connection to a significant other has been severed.
• I ride alone in the car with the radio or a CD or a book on tape as my companionship.
• I am alone in a house that used to be filled with the presence of another.
There were times during those years of marriage when “aloneness” was something to be treasured; a very important time in the busy-ness of life. Alone with one’s thoughts…alone with a book…alone to think and plan. But that was productive aloneness…necessary aloneness…chosen aloneness…planned aloneness…temporary aloneness.
I thought this morning of a recent widow in my church in California who said one day that “I know that God is always with me and I am never alone…but…God can’t hold me in His arms like my husband used to…yes I believe that God has me in the palm of His hand, but that is different from having the fingers of my hand enlaced through the fingers of my husband when going for a walk. Even though I know that I am never alone because God is always with me…I am still alone and I now have a new appreciation for the words in Genesis 2 that it is not good to be alone”.
Aloneness is a very difficult state of being for me. I thought good progress was being made until Easter, the sixth month anniversary of Jan’s death and then Mother’s Day came like a 1-2-3 punch in rapid succession that laid me out like a punch drunk boxer. I have been staggering, but thank goodness, I am still standing. My vision is clearing and the cobwebs are disappearing. I’m not about to embrace “aloneness” and say “this is very good”; but I know there must be a way to balance “aloneness” with the “family” and “community” and “friendships” that surround my life so that when I combine all those elements together I will be able to say that “this is in fact very good…I can make this work”. There is a voice that constantly whispers in my ear and says “you are not alone…you do not walk alone”. I do indeed hear His Voice and I know those words are true.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Six Months
Saturday night was the sixth month anniversary of Jan's death. It is, on one hand, difficult to imagine that so much time has already passed; because, on the other hand, it seems like it happened yesterday.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Six Month
Saturday night was the sixth month anniversary of Jan's death. It is, on one hand, difficult to imagine that so much time has already passed; because, on the other hand, it seems like it happened yesterday.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Musings From Cabo
I am very fortunate to have two amazing women in my life: my daughter, Julie Ann and my daughter-in-law, Kelly. Two weeks ago Julie Ann came here to Cabo San Lucas, along with Ryan and Keira (Mike could not come because of his work schedule), to spend a week with me. We had a wonderful time in spite of Keira being sick the whole week and Julie Ann sick toward the end of the week. I am so proud of Julie Ann: she is a wonderful mother, works full-time teaching nursing at a local college; and she is pursuing a PhD in nursing education. Plus…she is a wonderful listening ear for me and has such good insights as we walk this shared journey of grief. Last Saturday I said goodbye to her and welcomed Joel and Kelly, along with Anders, Sofie, Margot and Mallory. In conversation last week with Kelly I was touched once again by how close she was to Jan and how deeply she feels the loss of their relationship. Kelly caught the vision of The Starfish Foundation, which was so close to Jan’s heart; and her life reflects arena’s of service to the poor and needy that is inspirational. I was fortunate to have a particularly beautiful conversation with Kelly this week that really touched my heart. These two women mean everything to me and I am so thankful to God that they are part of my life.
I am also fortunate to have two outstanding men in my life. Joel is doing wonderful things with his life and has taken over the business that Jan started and expanded and grown it over these last months. He has been like a rock for me as he handles the financial paperwork and other business details of my life with such expertise. This week my realtor sent information about a townhouse in a neighborhood that I really like. We did the “virtual tour” on the internet and I immediately sensed this was what I was looking to buy. We immediately made a verbal offer so that we had right of first refusal if another offer came in before we got to see the house…and sure enough another offer was made…so sitting around the pool Joel handled all the details and paperwork and we make a firm offer that was accepted. Thanks son! I had looked forward to going fishing with Mike down here this year, but his work schedule did not allow him to make the trip. He has just earned an impressive opportunity with Sun Country Airlines for which he needed to do training and that was a priority. Mike is making his mark professionally and in addition he is a wonderful husband and father. I always look forward to being with him and appreciate so much his cool head and careful decision making; and his willingness to step in and help with anything I need. I could not wish for two better men in my life.
I am also blessed with six of the most wonderful grandchildren who live very close to me. I love watching them grow and seeing their personalities mature; and each of them is special in how they express their love to me. This last week was special as Anders bunked with me in my timeshare. I love these kids more than I can say and they in turn love me back in ways that mean everything to me. But today at 3:00 p.m. I said goodbye to Joel and Kelly and family and walked back to my timeshare. This is my last week in Cabo and our usual pattern is that our last week is just for ourselves; a time for Jan and I to do our thing…to eat at our favorite restaurants…to sit around the pool and read and relax…this would be our time. Only now it becomes “my” time and that doesn’t feel very special.
So I come back to my unit to take a shower and get cleaned up for dinner. But somehow I just didn’t really feel like going out for dinner. My family is no longer here and I don’t have Jan with whom to share the evening; so what I do is head over to Costco of all places and have a piece of Hawaiian Pizza and a Diet Coke (not one of Jan’s favorite places). I did a little grocery shopping and then came back to my unit for the evening. I’ll watch some basketball and then check the brackets (Anders, Joel and I do this every year and Anders has won every year so far) and see if I have moved out of last place. I will then lay out the work I want to get done this week and do some reading before going to sleep. Tonight the “incomplete” nature of my life is very evident as I sit in this place Jan loved so much and I try look forward in a positive way to a week that we always thoroughly enjoyed together. I am hoping to do more than get through this week…I truly want to find ways to enjoy it as well.
I wrote this on Saturday, March 19..today is March 26 and I make this addendum:
Monday morning I knew that a week alone was not going to work...so we changed my airline ticket and I came home on Wednesday. Thursday I walked through the townhouse I purchased and am thoroughly pleased with it. These last two days I spent quality with my family and last night I was with TDDUP(Till Death Do Us Part), my small group from church. We had a wonderful time together and once again I was reminded of just how important these friends are in my life. They are prayer warriors and great friends...they are so accepting and their love is so genuine. I feel so much better about life when I am with them and with my family. I am so grateful Lord that you have given these people to me with whom to share life.
I am also fortunate to have two outstanding men in my life. Joel is doing wonderful things with his life and has taken over the business that Jan started and expanded and grown it over these last months. He has been like a rock for me as he handles the financial paperwork and other business details of my life with such expertise. This week my realtor sent information about a townhouse in a neighborhood that I really like. We did the “virtual tour” on the internet and I immediately sensed this was what I was looking to buy. We immediately made a verbal offer so that we had right of first refusal if another offer came in before we got to see the house…and sure enough another offer was made…so sitting around the pool Joel handled all the details and paperwork and we make a firm offer that was accepted. Thanks son! I had looked forward to going fishing with Mike down here this year, but his work schedule did not allow him to make the trip. He has just earned an impressive opportunity with Sun Country Airlines for which he needed to do training and that was a priority. Mike is making his mark professionally and in addition he is a wonderful husband and father. I always look forward to being with him and appreciate so much his cool head and careful decision making; and his willingness to step in and help with anything I need. I could not wish for two better men in my life.
I am also blessed with six of the most wonderful grandchildren who live very close to me. I love watching them grow and seeing their personalities mature; and each of them is special in how they express their love to me. This last week was special as Anders bunked with me in my timeshare. I love these kids more than I can say and they in turn love me back in ways that mean everything to me. But today at 3:00 p.m. I said goodbye to Joel and Kelly and family and walked back to my timeshare. This is my last week in Cabo and our usual pattern is that our last week is just for ourselves; a time for Jan and I to do our thing…to eat at our favorite restaurants…to sit around the pool and read and relax…this would be our time. Only now it becomes “my” time and that doesn’t feel very special.
So I come back to my unit to take a shower and get cleaned up for dinner. But somehow I just didn’t really feel like going out for dinner. My family is no longer here and I don’t have Jan with whom to share the evening; so what I do is head over to Costco of all places and have a piece of Hawaiian Pizza and a Diet Coke (not one of Jan’s favorite places). I did a little grocery shopping and then came back to my unit for the evening. I’ll watch some basketball and then check the brackets (Anders, Joel and I do this every year and Anders has won every year so far) and see if I have moved out of last place. I will then lay out the work I want to get done this week and do some reading before going to sleep. Tonight the “incomplete” nature of my life is very evident as I sit in this place Jan loved so much and I try look forward in a positive way to a week that we always thoroughly enjoyed together. I am hoping to do more than get through this week…I truly want to find ways to enjoy it as well.
I wrote this on Saturday, March 19..today is March 26 and I make this addendum:
Monday morning I knew that a week alone was not going to work...so we changed my airline ticket and I came home on Wednesday. Thursday I walked through the townhouse I purchased and am thoroughly pleased with it. These last two days I spent quality with my family and last night I was with TDDUP(Till Death Do Us Part), my small group from church. We had a wonderful time together and once again I was reminded of just how important these friends are in my life. They are prayer warriors and great friends...they are so accepting and their love is so genuine. I feel so much better about life when I am with them and with my family. I am so grateful Lord that you have given these people to me with whom to share life.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 24
About three years ago I was having my annual physical and the first try on my blood pressure showed an elevated number. My doctor said "white coat syndrome" and asked me to relax by thinking of my most relaxing place in the world. So I closed my eyes and pictured myself in Cabo San Lucas sitting by the pool overlooking the 16th fairway of a Jack Nickluas designed course; and also seeing the endless ocean as it eventually met with the blue of the sky. Two minutes later my second blood pressure reading was normal.
So here I am today in that very spot. The skies are clear...temperature will be in the mid-seventies all day...a light breeze is blowing. I am sitting at the very southernmost tip of the Baja California coastline; it is impossible to travel any further south. Here is where the confluence of the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean occurs. It is absolutely beautiful looking out over the ocean. The whale watching is great and the fishing is excellent. This is a perfect place to relax.
However, there is something important to know about ocean at the tip of the Baja. The clear blue water with the gently rolling waves today is very deceiving. Because of the confluence of two large bodies of water, below the surface there are treacherous undercurrents. In fact, right where I am sitting they do not allow any swimming because of these undercurrents. Unfortunately, in the past, there are people who have ignored the warnings and have lost their lives.
As I look at the scene in front of me it is in many ways a picture of my life during this journey through grief:
**On the one hand, I am surrounded by the blessings of my family and close friends who are so supportive and helpful.
**On the other hand, I am sitting here alone. Noone with me to enjoy all this as in past years. Good friends arrive on Saturday...but right now...it is just me.
**On the one hand, the "heavy cloud" has lifted somewhat, and my old sense of humor is returning and I am looking to the future with a brighter spirit.
On the other hand, this was Jan's favorite place in Mexico. She couldn't get enough of the pool and the beach and the restaurants and the "ambience" of this place. It just doesn't feel the same without her.
I am still living a Cortez/Pacific experience. Beauty on the surface, but contending forces pit against each other just below the surface. I'm not in danger of having an undercurrent pulling me under in a destructive way; but it does cause sadness and melancholy and "torn up" emotions. But that is the nature of loss.
So I paraphrase the psalmist: I look to the ocean and ask "from where does my help come" and the answer is carried on the waves that "my help comes from the Lord" and that is good!
So here I am today in that very spot. The skies are clear...temperature will be in the mid-seventies all day...a light breeze is blowing. I am sitting at the very southernmost tip of the Baja California coastline; it is impossible to travel any further south. Here is where the confluence of the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean occurs. It is absolutely beautiful looking out over the ocean. The whale watching is great and the fishing is excellent. This is a perfect place to relax.
However, there is something important to know about ocean at the tip of the Baja. The clear blue water with the gently rolling waves today is very deceiving. Because of the confluence of two large bodies of water, below the surface there are treacherous undercurrents. In fact, right where I am sitting they do not allow any swimming because of these undercurrents. Unfortunately, in the past, there are people who have ignored the warnings and have lost their lives.
As I look at the scene in front of me it is in many ways a picture of my life during this journey through grief:
**On the one hand, I am surrounded by the blessings of my family and close friends who are so supportive and helpful.
**On the other hand, I am sitting here alone. Noone with me to enjoy all this as in past years. Good friends arrive on Saturday...but right now...it is just me.
**On the one hand, the "heavy cloud" has lifted somewhat, and my old sense of humor is returning and I am looking to the future with a brighter spirit.
On the other hand, this was Jan's favorite place in Mexico. She couldn't get enough of the pool and the beach and the restaurants and the "ambience" of this place. It just doesn't feel the same without her.
I am still living a Cortez/Pacific experience. Beauty on the surface, but contending forces pit against each other just below the surface. I'm not in danger of having an undercurrent pulling me under in a destructive way; but it does cause sadness and melancholy and "torn up" emotions. But that is the nature of loss.
So I paraphrase the psalmist: I look to the ocean and ask "from where does my help come" and the answer is carried on the waves that "my help comes from the Lord" and that is good!
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