I find myself thinking about the word “alone” quite often these days. This morning I suddenly found myself thinking of the words from the creation story that “it is not good for a man (woman) to be alone…” Over the course of the last 20 years of my marriage I led dozens and dozens marriage enrichment seminars and spoke on the subject of marriage in various settings. Invariably I began my sessions in the first two chapters of Genesis to set the foundation for marriage around the intentions of God as found in creation.
However, when I spoke about the word “alone”, I did so without ever having experienced “aloneness” in the sense of one who was living “alone”. I grew up in a nuclear family surrounded by loving parents and siblings and with extended family in the same small community where we lived. After graduation from high school I went to college and always had a roommate during those years of dormitory living. The summer after graduation Jan and I were married and the next 47 years were spent with her in my life.
Now I am approaching the seven month mark of life as a widower. I am still surrounded by a wonderful family with great children and awesome grandchildren. I can be part of their lives as much as I want without restriction. I have dozens of friends who keep me as part of their lives and my church family is so warm and caring. Yet…I now understand “alone” in a whole new light.
• I am alone when I wake up in the morning…I cannot roll over and wrap my arms around my life partner before getting out of bed.
• My kitchen table is no longer a very inviting place because the seat next to me is empty and I am alone.
• I no longer have someone’s hand to hold or a person to embrace as my connection to a significant other has been severed.
• I ride alone in the car with the radio or a CD or a book on tape as my companionship.
• I am alone in a house that used to be filled with the presence of another.
There were times during those years of marriage when “aloneness” was something to be treasured; a very important time in the busy-ness of life. Alone with one’s thoughts…alone with a book…alone to think and plan. But that was productive aloneness…necessary aloneness…chosen aloneness…planned aloneness…temporary aloneness.
I thought this morning of a recent widow in my church in California who said one day that “I know that God is always with me and I am never alone…but…God can’t hold me in His arms like my husband used to…yes I believe that God has me in the palm of His hand, but that is different from having the fingers of my hand enlaced through the fingers of my husband when going for a walk. Even though I know that I am never alone because God is always with me…I am still alone and I now have a new appreciation for the words in Genesis 2 that it is not good to be alone”.
Aloneness is a very difficult state of being for me. I thought good progress was being made until Easter, the sixth month anniversary of Jan’s death and then Mother’s Day came like a 1-2-3 punch in rapid succession that laid me out like a punch drunk boxer. I have been staggering, but thank goodness, I am still standing. My vision is clearing and the cobwebs are disappearing. I’m not about to embrace “aloneness” and say “this is very good”; but I know there must be a way to balance “aloneness” with the “family” and “community” and “friendships” that surround my life so that when I combine all those elements together I will be able to say that “this is in fact very good…I can make this work”. There is a voice that constantly whispers in my ear and says “you are not alone…you do not walk alone”. I do indeed hear His Voice and I know those words are true.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Six Months
Saturday night was the sixth month anniversary of Jan's death. It is, on one hand, difficult to imagine that so much time has already passed; because, on the other hand, it seems like it happened yesterday.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Six Month
Saturday night was the sixth month anniversary of Jan's death. It is, on one hand, difficult to imagine that so much time has already passed; because, on the other hand, it seems like it happened yesterday.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Easter Sunday was the most difficult day I have endured in many weeks. I avoided all Good Friday services because I was not prepared to focus on death and suffering; but when I looked at the worship folder on Easter Sunday morning the sermon title was: "Open Our Eyes Lord". A very appropriate title for resurrection Sunday I thought.
However, it impacted me in a most unexpected manner. In a flash I was transported back in my mind to that Saturday afternoon six months ago when Jan collapsed and was receiving emergency treatment. All I could envision was the lifeless look in her eyes and were normally so beautiful and alive and responsive. Eyes that were being opened to see the reality of the ressurection as she moved to the other side; but eyes that would never again look with love at any of us.
It was such an emotional experience for me that Sunday morning that I could hardly stay for the service. Had I not been sitting next to a young couple to whom I have grown very attached and who are taking giant strides forward in their spiritual and personal growth, I would definitely have left. I didn't really worship that morning as I simply went through the motions; and I didn't really hear the sermon. I think it was a wonderful service that never broke through to me in a meaningful way.
It was a "help me get out of this hole" kind of experience that carried through all of last week into the six month anniversary of Jan's death. It was in so many ways a wonderful week with such good times with my children and grandchildren and friends. Our family was not the only ones remembering this anniversary and that was comforting.
Every morning I sit in my Jacuzzi tub for about 30 minutes...it really helps a muscle problem I have in my lower back. During that time I have started reading a chapter a day in Naked Spirituality (A Life With God in 12 Simple Words) by Brian D. McLaren. In Chapter 4 he talks about what might be called the "here-ness" of God. At times we ask "Is anyone here?" and at other times we say "Here I am" or we hear God say "Here I am". He discusses the topic of learning to live in "here" with God.
So he suggests that "here" can help awaken us to our own situation as well. Here I am at this point in history...Here I am at this point in my own story...Here I am...just as I am. Here. Now. "Here" is the only place I can be to begin to awaken spiritually and to move on from this point in my story. He concludes the chapter by saing that as "we sense an inward vocation from God and toward God, we can respond with presentation, saying 'Here I am Lord. I present myself to you, presenting yourself to me.' We begin to live with a perpetual Here I am, and here you are in our hearts, inviting constant, vital connection, unbroken communion, lifelong friendship--starting here, starting right now.
Here. With Him here. That's a good place to be in the story of my life.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Musings From Cabo
I am very fortunate to have two amazing women in my life: my daughter, Julie Ann and my daughter-in-law, Kelly. Two weeks ago Julie Ann came here to Cabo San Lucas, along with Ryan and Keira (Mike could not come because of his work schedule), to spend a week with me. We had a wonderful time in spite of Keira being sick the whole week and Julie Ann sick toward the end of the week. I am so proud of Julie Ann: she is a wonderful mother, works full-time teaching nursing at a local college; and she is pursuing a PhD in nursing education. Plus…she is a wonderful listening ear for me and has such good insights as we walk this shared journey of grief. Last Saturday I said goodbye to her and welcomed Joel and Kelly, along with Anders, Sofie, Margot and Mallory. In conversation last week with Kelly I was touched once again by how close she was to Jan and how deeply she feels the loss of their relationship. Kelly caught the vision of The Starfish Foundation, which was so close to Jan’s heart; and her life reflects arena’s of service to the poor and needy that is inspirational. I was fortunate to have a particularly beautiful conversation with Kelly this week that really touched my heart. These two women mean everything to me and I am so thankful to God that they are part of my life.
I am also fortunate to have two outstanding men in my life. Joel is doing wonderful things with his life and has taken over the business that Jan started and expanded and grown it over these last months. He has been like a rock for me as he handles the financial paperwork and other business details of my life with such expertise. This week my realtor sent information about a townhouse in a neighborhood that I really like. We did the “virtual tour” on the internet and I immediately sensed this was what I was looking to buy. We immediately made a verbal offer so that we had right of first refusal if another offer came in before we got to see the house…and sure enough another offer was made…so sitting around the pool Joel handled all the details and paperwork and we make a firm offer that was accepted. Thanks son! I had looked forward to going fishing with Mike down here this year, but his work schedule did not allow him to make the trip. He has just earned an impressive opportunity with Sun Country Airlines for which he needed to do training and that was a priority. Mike is making his mark professionally and in addition he is a wonderful husband and father. I always look forward to being with him and appreciate so much his cool head and careful decision making; and his willingness to step in and help with anything I need. I could not wish for two better men in my life.
I am also blessed with six of the most wonderful grandchildren who live very close to me. I love watching them grow and seeing their personalities mature; and each of them is special in how they express their love to me. This last week was special as Anders bunked with me in my timeshare. I love these kids more than I can say and they in turn love me back in ways that mean everything to me. But today at 3:00 p.m. I said goodbye to Joel and Kelly and family and walked back to my timeshare. This is my last week in Cabo and our usual pattern is that our last week is just for ourselves; a time for Jan and I to do our thing…to eat at our favorite restaurants…to sit around the pool and read and relax…this would be our time. Only now it becomes “my” time and that doesn’t feel very special.
So I come back to my unit to take a shower and get cleaned up for dinner. But somehow I just didn’t really feel like going out for dinner. My family is no longer here and I don’t have Jan with whom to share the evening; so what I do is head over to Costco of all places and have a piece of Hawaiian Pizza and a Diet Coke (not one of Jan’s favorite places). I did a little grocery shopping and then came back to my unit for the evening. I’ll watch some basketball and then check the brackets (Anders, Joel and I do this every year and Anders has won every year so far) and see if I have moved out of last place. I will then lay out the work I want to get done this week and do some reading before going to sleep. Tonight the “incomplete” nature of my life is very evident as I sit in this place Jan loved so much and I try look forward in a positive way to a week that we always thoroughly enjoyed together. I am hoping to do more than get through this week…I truly want to find ways to enjoy it as well.
I wrote this on Saturday, March 19..today is March 26 and I make this addendum:
Monday morning I knew that a week alone was not going to work...so we changed my airline ticket and I came home on Wednesday. Thursday I walked through the townhouse I purchased and am thoroughly pleased with it. These last two days I spent quality with my family and last night I was with TDDUP(Till Death Do Us Part), my small group from church. We had a wonderful time together and once again I was reminded of just how important these friends are in my life. They are prayer warriors and great friends...they are so accepting and their love is so genuine. I feel so much better about life when I am with them and with my family. I am so grateful Lord that you have given these people to me with whom to share life.
I am also fortunate to have two outstanding men in my life. Joel is doing wonderful things with his life and has taken over the business that Jan started and expanded and grown it over these last months. He has been like a rock for me as he handles the financial paperwork and other business details of my life with such expertise. This week my realtor sent information about a townhouse in a neighborhood that I really like. We did the “virtual tour” on the internet and I immediately sensed this was what I was looking to buy. We immediately made a verbal offer so that we had right of first refusal if another offer came in before we got to see the house…and sure enough another offer was made…so sitting around the pool Joel handled all the details and paperwork and we make a firm offer that was accepted. Thanks son! I had looked forward to going fishing with Mike down here this year, but his work schedule did not allow him to make the trip. He has just earned an impressive opportunity with Sun Country Airlines for which he needed to do training and that was a priority. Mike is making his mark professionally and in addition he is a wonderful husband and father. I always look forward to being with him and appreciate so much his cool head and careful decision making; and his willingness to step in and help with anything I need. I could not wish for two better men in my life.
I am also blessed with six of the most wonderful grandchildren who live very close to me. I love watching them grow and seeing their personalities mature; and each of them is special in how they express their love to me. This last week was special as Anders bunked with me in my timeshare. I love these kids more than I can say and they in turn love me back in ways that mean everything to me. But today at 3:00 p.m. I said goodbye to Joel and Kelly and family and walked back to my timeshare. This is my last week in Cabo and our usual pattern is that our last week is just for ourselves; a time for Jan and I to do our thing…to eat at our favorite restaurants…to sit around the pool and read and relax…this would be our time. Only now it becomes “my” time and that doesn’t feel very special.
So I come back to my unit to take a shower and get cleaned up for dinner. But somehow I just didn’t really feel like going out for dinner. My family is no longer here and I don’t have Jan with whom to share the evening; so what I do is head over to Costco of all places and have a piece of Hawaiian Pizza and a Diet Coke (not one of Jan’s favorite places). I did a little grocery shopping and then came back to my unit for the evening. I’ll watch some basketball and then check the brackets (Anders, Joel and I do this every year and Anders has won every year so far) and see if I have moved out of last place. I will then lay out the work I want to get done this week and do some reading before going to sleep. Tonight the “incomplete” nature of my life is very evident as I sit in this place Jan loved so much and I try look forward in a positive way to a week that we always thoroughly enjoyed together. I am hoping to do more than get through this week…I truly want to find ways to enjoy it as well.
I wrote this on Saturday, March 19..today is March 26 and I make this addendum:
Monday morning I knew that a week alone was not going to work...so we changed my airline ticket and I came home on Wednesday. Thursday I walked through the townhouse I purchased and am thoroughly pleased with it. These last two days I spent quality with my family and last night I was with TDDUP(Till Death Do Us Part), my small group from church. We had a wonderful time together and once again I was reminded of just how important these friends are in my life. They are prayer warriors and great friends...they are so accepting and their love is so genuine. I feel so much better about life when I am with them and with my family. I am so grateful Lord that you have given these people to me with whom to share life.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 24
About three years ago I was having my annual physical and the first try on my blood pressure showed an elevated number. My doctor said "white coat syndrome" and asked me to relax by thinking of my most relaxing place in the world. So I closed my eyes and pictured myself in Cabo San Lucas sitting by the pool overlooking the 16th fairway of a Jack Nickluas designed course; and also seeing the endless ocean as it eventually met with the blue of the sky. Two minutes later my second blood pressure reading was normal.
So here I am today in that very spot. The skies are clear...temperature will be in the mid-seventies all day...a light breeze is blowing. I am sitting at the very southernmost tip of the Baja California coastline; it is impossible to travel any further south. Here is where the confluence of the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean occurs. It is absolutely beautiful looking out over the ocean. The whale watching is great and the fishing is excellent. This is a perfect place to relax.
However, there is something important to know about ocean at the tip of the Baja. The clear blue water with the gently rolling waves today is very deceiving. Because of the confluence of two large bodies of water, below the surface there are treacherous undercurrents. In fact, right where I am sitting they do not allow any swimming because of these undercurrents. Unfortunately, in the past, there are people who have ignored the warnings and have lost their lives.
As I look at the scene in front of me it is in many ways a picture of my life during this journey through grief:
**On the one hand, I am surrounded by the blessings of my family and close friends who are so supportive and helpful.
**On the other hand, I am sitting here alone. Noone with me to enjoy all this as in past years. Good friends arrive on Saturday...but right now...it is just me.
**On the one hand, the "heavy cloud" has lifted somewhat, and my old sense of humor is returning and I am looking to the future with a brighter spirit.
On the other hand, this was Jan's favorite place in Mexico. She couldn't get enough of the pool and the beach and the restaurants and the "ambience" of this place. It just doesn't feel the same without her.
I am still living a Cortez/Pacific experience. Beauty on the surface, but contending forces pit against each other just below the surface. I'm not in danger of having an undercurrent pulling me under in a destructive way; but it does cause sadness and melancholy and "torn up" emotions. But that is the nature of loss.
So I paraphrase the psalmist: I look to the ocean and ask "from where does my help come" and the answer is carried on the waves that "my help comes from the Lord" and that is good!
So here I am today in that very spot. The skies are clear...temperature will be in the mid-seventies all day...a light breeze is blowing. I am sitting at the very southernmost tip of the Baja California coastline; it is impossible to travel any further south. Here is where the confluence of the Sea of Cortez and the Pacific Ocean occurs. It is absolutely beautiful looking out over the ocean. The whale watching is great and the fishing is excellent. This is a perfect place to relax.
However, there is something important to know about ocean at the tip of the Baja. The clear blue water with the gently rolling waves today is very deceiving. Because of the confluence of two large bodies of water, below the surface there are treacherous undercurrents. In fact, right where I am sitting they do not allow any swimming because of these undercurrents. Unfortunately, in the past, there are people who have ignored the warnings and have lost their lives.
As I look at the scene in front of me it is in many ways a picture of my life during this journey through grief:
**On the one hand, I am surrounded by the blessings of my family and close friends who are so supportive and helpful.
**On the other hand, I am sitting here alone. Noone with me to enjoy all this as in past years. Good friends arrive on Saturday...but right now...it is just me.
**On the one hand, the "heavy cloud" has lifted somewhat, and my old sense of humor is returning and I am looking to the future with a brighter spirit.
On the other hand, this was Jan's favorite place in Mexico. She couldn't get enough of the pool and the beach and the restaurants and the "ambience" of this place. It just doesn't feel the same without her.
I am still living a Cortez/Pacific experience. Beauty on the surface, but contending forces pit against each other just below the surface. I'm not in danger of having an undercurrent pulling me under in a destructive way; but it does cause sadness and melancholy and "torn up" emotions. But that is the nature of loss.
So I paraphrase the psalmist: I look to the ocean and ask "from where does my help come" and the answer is carried on the waves that "my help comes from the Lord" and that is good!
Monday, February 14, 2011
February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day! Hope that you have a great day!
Last week was my birthday and today is Valentine's Day. Those two days underscore something about my present situation. When you are married you always have someone to do things with. In our family we rarely get the whole family together on the day of one's birthday (except for the grandkids) because of schedule challenges. We usually find a date in the proximity of actual date to celebrate as a family. That was true this year as well. My birthday was on Wednesday, which is a afternoon/evening that Julie Ann is teaching and also a night when Joel's family is going in 6 different directions. So I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday night with the Vinger's family and will celebrate this week with Joel's family. Not an unusual scenario in our family.
What was different this year is that I didn't have Jan with me to do something on the actual day of the birthday. It is one of the realities of my life at present that I don't have my wife to do things with and celebrate special occasions. My family and friends are taking good care of me, but they simply cannot plug all the holes.
Today is one of those days. In recent years we have been in Mexico on Valentine's Day and celebrated down there. However, this year I am not leaving for Mexico until Monday of next week and I have encouraged my kids to continue doing what has developed as their own family traditions. So today I will lunch with Sid Veenstra and dinner with John Petersen (his wife is in Florida while he is working here this week). Two very good friends and I will enjoy my time with them...but...neither of them are the person I want to be with.
I just opened my mail and read a Valentine's Day card from Jack and Nancy Virden. It was beautiful in it's simplicity: God Is Love I John 4:8 "Celebrating God's great love with you." Happy Valentine's Day. I was glad to receive that today.
So in part my day will be filled with remembering:
Last week was my birthday and today is Valentine's Day. Those two days underscore something about my present situation. When you are married you always have someone to do things with. In our family we rarely get the whole family together on the day of one's birthday (except for the grandkids) because of schedule challenges. We usually find a date in the proximity of actual date to celebrate as a family. That was true this year as well. My birthday was on Wednesday, which is a afternoon/evening that Julie Ann is teaching and also a night when Joel's family is going in 6 different directions. So I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday night with the Vinger's family and will celebrate this week with Joel's family. Not an unusual scenario in our family.
What was different this year is that I didn't have Jan with me to do something on the actual day of the birthday. It is one of the realities of my life at present that I don't have my wife to do things with and celebrate special occasions. My family and friends are taking good care of me, but they simply cannot plug all the holes.
Today is one of those days. In recent years we have been in Mexico on Valentine's Day and celebrated down there. However, this year I am not leaving for Mexico until Monday of next week and I have encouraged my kids to continue doing what has developed as their own family traditions. So today I will lunch with Sid Veenstra and dinner with John Petersen (his wife is in Florida while he is working here this week). Two very good friends and I will enjoy my time with them...but...neither of them are the person I want to be with.
I just opened my mail and read a Valentine's Day card from Jack and Nancy Virden. It was beautiful in it's simplicity: God Is Love I John 4:8 "Celebrating God's great love with you." Happy Valentine's Day. I was glad to receive that today.
So in part my day will be filled with remembering:
- God's constant and faithful love in my life over these last 71 years.
- The love I shared with Jan for 47 years.
- I will enjoy reflecting on wonderful memories.
- I wonder just how many times we said "I love you" to each other.
- We tried to say it every day at least once.
So I say Happy Valentine's Day to you once again! Hold tightly to that person to whom you say "I love you." Treasure each moment you have together. You never fully realize just how important those moments are until she or he is gone and they will never happen again. Make memories today and will be worth remembering some day in the future. God bless!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Kodak Moments
I am beginning my third week of "snow birding" in Arizona. We have come to Scottsdale for years during the month of January and so this year I came to spend the 3 weeks in our timeshares that Jan had scheduled. Each of these weeks there have been good friends staying in the same complex, so I have had people to spend time with. Julie Ann and family were here for 4 days last week and Joel comes this week for 3 days as we go over to a golf tournament that is in town. Thankfully there have been people around me or this time would have been unbearable and not something that I would have done.
It occured to me last night that I had not brought my camera with me. It was never on my check list of things to pack, as Jan always made that her priority. She had a passion to carefully record every trip and event with pictures and then spend the appropriate hours getting those pictures organized into albums. She loved going back and looking at the pictures and reliving the trip or event through them. It seemed that almost every day she would be capturing "Kodak moments" as the camera was always in her purse.
Since her death I have used the camera but once and that at Christmas time; and then of all things the battery went dead after two shots. In somes ways that seems an appropriate analogy of my life these last three months. November and December were kept busy with people and activities through the holidays. During that time I had many wonderful "Kodak moments" with my children and grandchildren and friends. There were some genuinely good times intermingled with the sorrow and sadness and grief. However, I didn't capture any of them myself on film. January began a new year and with it the onset of the regular routine of life, with fewer scheduled events then over the holidays. The reality of being a single man without my spouse became even more apparent and quite honestly life has been lived in the gray scale of black and white, rather than the robustness of full color.
Life is in so many ways a rapidly moving panorama of interaction with people, work, events to attend and the "doing of life". January has been for me a month is slow motion, filled with memories of snapshots, 47 years worth of pictures. Particularly of a birthday party that ended with Jan saying "what is happening to me" as the aneurism erupted in her brain. The snapshots of the next five hours are not pretty, but they are pictures that will stay with me for a lifetime.
I read the following this week: "Loss puts a sudden halt to business as usual. Life as we experienced it and expected it to be suddenly ends. We find ourselves bewildered that there is no relationship anymore...the process of life as we knew it ends, the continuum is disrupted, and the growth stops. The motion picture becomes a snapshot."
And yet every morning I seem to hear someone yell "ready...action...shoot" and the cameras begin to roll. The motion of life kicks into place and movement begins. Today I will have lunch with Sid and Char and then Sid and I will head off to play golf. It will be a good day and hopefully it will not decide to rain here in Arizona. I will have a good week with these friends that will be filled with pleasant memories. Jan would have been taking pictures and I should be doing the same; but I left the camera at home. I must not let that happen again.
The Bible reminds me to picture this: A place of calm, cool waters beside the green of a beautiful meadow. A field filled with sheep and a shepherd keeping careful watch. That is truly a "Kodak moment" and right now the Good Shepherd is whispering in my ear: "I am taking you to that place. Get the camera ready. I don't want you to miss the moment."
Have a good week.
It occured to me last night that I had not brought my camera with me. It was never on my check list of things to pack, as Jan always made that her priority. She had a passion to carefully record every trip and event with pictures and then spend the appropriate hours getting those pictures organized into albums. She loved going back and looking at the pictures and reliving the trip or event through them. It seemed that almost every day she would be capturing "Kodak moments" as the camera was always in her purse.
Since her death I have used the camera but once and that at Christmas time; and then of all things the battery went dead after two shots. In somes ways that seems an appropriate analogy of my life these last three months. November and December were kept busy with people and activities through the holidays. During that time I had many wonderful "Kodak moments" with my children and grandchildren and friends. There were some genuinely good times intermingled with the sorrow and sadness and grief. However, I didn't capture any of them myself on film. January began a new year and with it the onset of the regular routine of life, with fewer scheduled events then over the holidays. The reality of being a single man without my spouse became even more apparent and quite honestly life has been lived in the gray scale of black and white, rather than the robustness of full color.
Life is in so many ways a rapidly moving panorama of interaction with people, work, events to attend and the "doing of life". January has been for me a month is slow motion, filled with memories of snapshots, 47 years worth of pictures. Particularly of a birthday party that ended with Jan saying "what is happening to me" as the aneurism erupted in her brain. The snapshots of the next five hours are not pretty, but they are pictures that will stay with me for a lifetime.
I read the following this week: "Loss puts a sudden halt to business as usual. Life as we experienced it and expected it to be suddenly ends. We find ourselves bewildered that there is no relationship anymore...the process of life as we knew it ends, the continuum is disrupted, and the growth stops. The motion picture becomes a snapshot."
And yet every morning I seem to hear someone yell "ready...action...shoot" and the cameras begin to roll. The motion of life kicks into place and movement begins. Today I will have lunch with Sid and Char and then Sid and I will head off to play golf. It will be a good day and hopefully it will not decide to rain here in Arizona. I will have a good week with these friends that will be filled with pleasant memories. Jan would have been taking pictures and I should be doing the same; but I left the camera at home. I must not let that happen again.
The Bible reminds me to picture this: A place of calm, cool waters beside the green of a beautiful meadow. A field filled with sheep and a shepherd keeping careful watch. That is truly a "Kodak moment" and right now the Good Shepherd is whispering in my ear: "I am taking you to that place. Get the camera ready. I don't want you to miss the moment."
Have a good week.
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