Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Indulging My Appetite

Last night I started reading "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. The author is well acquainted with grief as he lost his mother, his wife and his daughter in a horrific car accident caused by a drunk driver. The subtitle of his book is "How the soul grows through loss" and although I may not see clearly how my soul is growing at this point; I have been growing. Sittser writes that "I tried to drown the pain by indulging my appetites. I spent a great deal of time sitting alone the first months after the accident...but there was one period, about two months long, in which I broke the routine of seeking solitude by watchoing television almost every night from 10:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. I simply could not face my unbearable loneliness. I did not want to crawl into an empty bed or think about why it was empty in the first place." (p. 57)

I resonate with what he is saying, because I have been indulging my particular my appetite for food. I have yet to sit at our kitchen table and eat a meal my myself as I find that to be too painful. The alternative is that I eat most meals out, either with family or friends, or by myself. Prior to Jan's death I had lost about 15 pounds through careful eating, portion control, and no desserts. Since her death my psyche keeps saying "you deserve to eat whatever you want" and so I have been enjoying myself without watching portion control and grabbing a dessert regularly. I finally stepped on a scale and realized that plus 10 pound have been added to my frame since Jan's death. Oooooops!

Apathy has been the distinguishing mark of most areas of my life. I have work that needs to be done...but I don't much care if I get it done. I have bought some good books that should be read...but they sit unopened as I escape into a novel of some kind. I am in Arizona right now and played golf yesterday where I totally lost my concentration and swing after 6 holes...and I found that I didn't much care. But put a menu in front of me and I will study it carefully to find that which I will most enjoy. No apathy in that particular arena. However, apathy does not engender a strong self image, it does not make life very entertaining.

I am waiting for a telephone call from friends to say it is time to leave for breakfast. My plan is to order the oatmeal rather than an omelet with pancakes. We are going to play golf again today and my plan is to focus and concentrate, rather than say "ho-hum...who cares" when I address the ball. The skies are clear and the temperature will be in the low 70's and my plan is to notice and enjoy that gift. Today I will take some small steps to punch apathy in the face. I will work hard to enjoy the moment. I'm not ready to say with Paul that "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me..."; but I am ready to say "I can do some things through Him who strengthens me".
A Plan Awakening The Hope Yurge
Sorry about that stupid word "yurge". But my soul has a deep "urge" this morning, that has nothing to do with apathy. I have a very simple plan for this day. It is the urge to purge apathy!

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